The start of my journey to motherhood…

I have saw a lot of posts where people have wrote their birth stories lately and I thought I would share mine. The main reason I’m doing this is because it will be nice to always have a record of it. Nearly six years on and I’m sure I’ve forgot so many things about jakes birth already. I actually wish I had recorded all the little details after each birth but i didnt. Gracie’s story is most fresh in my mind. I have three children who are 6, 4 and the baby is 9 months so I’m going to write 3 seperate posts but I’ll start with when I first got pregnant….

We got married in July 2009 when I was 21 and we knew we wanted to have children pretty soon but it took about a year to happen. I found out I was pregnant early in 2011 and we were so excited to tell our close family. Then one Sunday evening in April when I was changing for bed I noticed spotting. In that moment my heart sank and I think I knew deep down what the outcome was going to be.

Looking back on that time I think I had something in the back of my mind, maybe gut instinct , that the pregnancy wasn’t to be. On the Monday morning I went to the doctor and she sent me to the early pregnancy clinic for a scan. I had told david to go on to work that morning and kept him updated with what they said. My cousin took me up to the hospital where I had a scan and the midwife confirmed I was miscarrying, she couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was devastated something I had wanted so much for so long had just been snatched away and there was nothing I could do about it. I was sent home to rest with leaflets about what would happen and the midwife explained I would get cramps and more bleeding. Nothing more other than light bleeding happened until during the night on the Wednesday and then the cramps started. I said nothing but on Thursday morning they had got so bad I phoned the hospital again and they told me to come up. The cramps where awful I think the fact that you know there is no baby at the end makes it feel worse to. Whereas when you go to have your baby the pain is probably worse but you grit your teeth and get on with it cause you know that you are going to be holding your baby at the end of it. David came to the hospital and my mum and him stayed until as late as they could but I had to stay overnight. The next day the doctor decided after an internal examination that I was going to have a D&C. I went back to my bed and told David. I felt terrible having never had anytime in hospital I really didn’t want to have to go to theatre. As I waited on the edge of my bed for the Doctor, I felt an urge to go to the toilet. When I went to the toilet the rest of the baby passed and I no longer had to go to theatre. That image will never leave me. I was in shock my legs felt like jelly and I didn’t know what to do. I pulled the emergency cord and the nurse came in and took it away. After that I still felt very numb and in shock I suppose. I was sent home with more leaflets and told to rest. It was like your in a little bubble a bit like when you have a baby actually but without the joy that comes with it. It’s like your world pauses but outside everything else keeps moving and after a few days you feel like you have press play to catch up with everyone else. Personally for me I felt like after a few days I had get back to normal although I didn’t go back to work for a few weeks and any tears after that were just when I was alone. It’s not like magic you don’t just forget it’s something you carry with you. And it really doesn’t help when people say it wasn’t ment to be cause to you it was. But I don’t say that to put blame on others, they just don’t know what to say but feel they need to say something. I would encourage anyone in that situation to ask the mum if she is OK, invite her for coffee, let her know your there, recognise what’s happened cause from the moment you find out your pregnant that’s your baby.

I was about 11 weeks when I miscarried although I do feel I might have been a week or two further on. I was sent home with leaflets, leaflets that didn’t answer the questions I wanted answered but couldn’t ask. I have spoke to other women who have miscarried at this stage and some got told what would happen to their baby and others weren’t told what would happen. But for me the not knowing created an emptiness or a void that needed filling. A feeling of guilt not in the sense of how it happened or why it happened but in what happened after. I suppose that was were the mum guilt started on my motherhood journey.

Normally my posts won’t be as personal as this but the thing I found about having a miscarriage is it’s hard to label. Are you a mum? Was it a baby or a foetus? And to me it was my baby so to continue on and write about the experience I had with my other three babies and not included my first pregnancy or my first experience as a mum wouldn’t seem right.

I think miscarriage is something you always carry with you no matter how you cope with it or no matter how many children you go on to have. You always have that what if….

I hope this helps you if you find yourself in a similar situation.

Laura x

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